Wide awake
by Linneagb
Summary: One of the first few nights after "the children's parade" the whole story about shinies and the shadows and what could have happened goes up for Melinda. She sits awake at night wondering and worrying about things she did or didn't do and how everything she does affect those around her. Especially Jim and Aiden who she loves so much. *Oneshot*


**Here comes yet another oneshot... As I'm writing this I just finished the story. I'm not sure it's any good. Most of it is conversation... anyway. I hope you like it anyway and it's just cute and about Jim and Melinda. **

**Here we go. **

The night that the shadows had disappeared had been the longest of my life...

It wasn't until the second night after the shadows had come around that what had happened finally sunk in and when I got into bed I ended up sitting up in the bed and remembering what had happened and everything I had done (or not done)

Aiden falling in the kitchen, and me standing right there believing it was a vision, Carl and every single time he had come to me, every single time when I could see him and not realize that he was overtaken by shadows, Julia and how Aiden had been led by her..

All the shiny things in the kitchen and the furniture in piles...

Aiden falling...

Over and over and over he was falling. Over and over and over Jim was asking what was wrong with me and over and over and over again Aiden was whining about hurting his head...

A lot of things had happened lately. But seeing Aiden standing there having that accident that could possibly happened to any five-year-old.

Aiden wasn't just another five year old boy and we all knew it very well. And I wasn't just another regular mum with the biggest problems were bullies and scraped knees...

But I would have done anything to save my son and keep him safe...

It was just another accident that could have happened to anyone. But mums weren't supposed to just stand by and watch their child get hurt...

"Mel?" I didn't realize Jim had woken up until he called out my name. "Are you awake?" I heard him push himself up on his elbows. "Are you okay?"

I turned my face away from him, there was no point with lying to him...

"Are you crying?" I heard him move and sit up and felt his fingers in my hair. "Why are you crying?" Without waiting for an answer he moved closer and wrapped his arms around me. I buried my face in his shirt and this move had me breaking down worse than ever. "Sch." Jim soothed and held me as tightly as ever. "Sch. It's okay... It's over now. They can't hurt us anymore."

Jim knew how I remembered everything, maybe not so strange since just over twenty four hours had passed since the shadows had gone away once and for all...

I would have wanted to answer. I didn't know what but anything at all.

But my sobbing was so hard and breaths so quick I couldn't have no matter how loudly I spoke. And I had to keep somewhat quiet not to wake Aiden.

"Sch, sch, sch." I more or less laid all curled up all in Jim's arm. "It's okay. Just keep breathing."

Breathing was for sure easier said than done. And while Jim rocked me back and forth and spoke soothing words as if I had been a small child I cried my heart out...

"I'm sorry..." I managed to sob at last. "I-I-I'm so- o sorry."

"It's okay..." At last when I had talked Jim still spoke soothly and slowly. "I... So much has happened... Do you want some water?" I shook my head- for nothing in the world I wanted him to let go of me. "You should try to fall back asleep. We can talk more in the morning... You should sleep now."

I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to anyway...

"Or do you want to talk? What's on your mind?"

I took a few deep breaths, I wanted to and that especially if Jim would let me stay where I was, my head still leaned against his shoulder.

(He would)

"So much has happened the last few days..." I was still making pauses to let sobs run through my throat and keeping me from speaking. "But the worst is... is how this all made me as... as a parent... becoming a mum... I would do anything for Ai... Aiden bu- but... the sha... adows."

I had to take a break in the talking, coughed and for a second I was almost certain the sobbing would have me heaving.

"It's okay... Just try and breathe baby. Try and breathe."

Now was one thing. If something ever was to happen to Aiden I wouldn't ever be able to catch my breath again. I had been told about that feeling from Delia and other parents but I could never have imagiend it until today.

"It all just keeps on spinning in my mind what has happened... And... when Aiden fell in the kitchen- and I hesitated and would I really do anything to keep Aiden safe or would I put my gift and helping others first and put him in danger and I mean I couldn't tell visions from reality so I didn't know Aiden was getting hurt and then I just stood there and..."

It was the fact that I hadn't done anything that had me silent and for a few moments we were all quiet...

"You should never be able to forgive me after everything that's been going on. I put you in danger. I put Aiden in danger. I put everyone in danger and everything in our whole lives could have changed in a matter of seconds. I said nasty, untrue things and I..."

"Melinda... Melinda... Melinda." Jim talked as loudly as he dared not to wake Aiden up. "What happened wasn't your fault. There's nothing to have to forgive you for... And even without all of these... supernatural... kids come into all possible and impossible kinds of trouble and the parents were or weren't there and they keep thinking over and over and over again what could have been done or... how things could have ended up differently If you're going to keep wondering about what trouble Aiden gets into you're not ever going to be able to even get to work again... And how many things do you think I and Dan were up to when we were little."

"That wasn't exactly the same..."

"Oh believe me. We got in a whole lot of danger... Ours just didn't include supernatural. And I know mum thinks back on a whole lot of those things. And I know that dad did too when he was alive. And I know that there probably isn't any parent out there who does it and still believe they're the only ones."

The sobbing had faded and turned down to silent tears running down my cheeks, into my shirt or Jim's bare chest.

For just one second I thought back to everyone I had helped to blamed themselves for accidents that had caused someone else's death while themselves came out without a scratch...

"People live their whole lives, bitter because they keep blaming themselves for things that aren't their fault." Jim made a pause. "Some others who learn from their mistakes and then move on... Like not eating things that are made for cleaning plumbing..." I had to frown and then looked up at Jim. "Don't ask... My mouth and I had even gotten in my hair was all purple for days and my mum hasn't been able to forget about it ever since..."

I couldn't help but to laugh, imagining Jim as a little boy all purple in his face and hair.

"I do promise you that I won't ever our son eat something like that."

"He's not exactly the type to do so either..."

"You could never know with boys!" I could almost hear Jim's smirk. "Listen. I know you care for Aiden more than anything else. If it was to keep him safe you would do anything in the world- for yourself or for anybody else. And you know how I know that?" I shook my head. "Because if you didn't then you wouldn't sit awake tonight."

I still had that feeling in my stomach that I was only answering because I knew it was what I should answer and not because I actually thought so.

"...I know you do." Jim heard what I was thinking... "No matter what that little voice inside your head says..." He silent for a moment. "I love you Mel."

After all of these years being married and more being married those three words still had me all warm inside.

"I love you too."

Silence fell over our room again. If it weren't for that I felt his arms around me I would have thought he fell back asleep...

"You should hate me." I whimpered at last, because I knew I needed to have it said. "And maybe... I know that maybe it was what made you say those... things. I know it was the shadows but then there were..."

I could almost hear the way Jim thought back and tried to figure what he'd said after Aiden fell and I couldn't do anything about it. Not even tell if it was real or not.

"_What is wrong with you?" _

I didn't quite know what was wrong with me...

_You want me to say it? _

I couldn't even guess how many times Jim had wanted to say the next.

_You were dealing with a ghost instead. _

But at least usually I could tell the ghost world from the living. And if I did then I would have known that Aiden's accident was real...

But there were so many out there except for me...

But at least the shadows were gone...

But

But

But

There would always be a "but." And no matter what I did it would keep affecting everyone I loved...

"You should want to get as far away from me as possible."

During the few seconds I had spoken Jim had gently almost forced me to move so I faced him.

"I'm sorry too for what I said. About sitting up every night worrying about you and wondering where you are... I know you're doing what you love and what you think's important. And I know that what you think is important is important to countless of people out there... And still. After every time you have you get in your car and you drive back here and you come back to me. And you come back to our son... And neither now nor any of those night nor any other times I would change you for anything in the world... And now not Aiden neither. And as he grows older I know he's going to start going out there too... but now... he's only five and the shadows are all gone so let's not worry about that just yet."

When I tried to say soemthing more and interrupt he held up a hand to stop me.

"I love you Mel. And I love our son. More than anything in the world and more than I could ever put into words. Every day I love you more and there is nothing... nothing that I'd ever ever want to do to change you." He gave a weak smile. "Can you just promise me a couple of things Mel... I know you're going to break those promises. But first of all I... I just want you to be careful." Jim's hand was so tender towards mine it was like he was trying to make sure he didn't break it. "And second..." He sighed.

"Second?"

"I just want you to talk to me. Tell me absolutely everything that's going on. Whether I'll be able to help or not..."

Did he even understand how much there was in this world?

"...I just want to know so I can care for you..." He pulled me close to him again. "And that's the only reason I worry and I think you know it... Just don't try to keep me away when I'm trying to come close... Can you promise me those two things?"

"I wish it was so simple."

"Promise me."

"Okay, okay." I had to draw a deep sigh to even get breath enough to talk again. "I promise."

I knew Jim was only doing things for me because he cared for me and loved me for so many more reasons than I could even imagine.

"I love you Mel. Don't you ever doubt that..."

I would have answered him but I just couldn't find my words or even a breath deep enough. And as I felt his lips towards my forehead for one second I thought that maybe I would actually be able to fall asleep...

"Hey." Jim let go way too soon and without opening my eyes I felt him moving and then his hand against my forehead. "You're all warm... all these things lately has really taken a toll on your body. You never get ill. Should I get the thermometer?"

"No."

Remembering the shadows and the way my temperature had risen the last time had me hyperventilating...

"Sch, sch, sch." Jim soothed. "It's okay honey." I knew he remembered and understood. "You're okay. Just breathe... You're just overwhelmed and exhausted and the shadows are long gone. I promise you there's nothing here to hurt you."

I felt him kissing my forehead.

It took a while. But the several minutes it took for me to finally start to pull my breath I was somehow expecting Jim to let go of me and run for his life.

Still I felt his breath in my hair and heard his soothing words.

"It's okay honey. It's okay. Just keep breathing... In and out and in and out..."

As it did slow down, once again I felt Jim's lips towards my warm forehead...

"The best treatment."

"Just what the doctor ordered." I heard the smile on Jim's lips. "You should sleep now baby..." He looked up slightly and I too noticed the sun had started rising outside the window... "I'll stay up and make sure Aiden gets to school on time. You just sleep and rest... Lord knows you need it."

I was half asleep. I wasn't sure if I had actually been meant to hear that last.

**Random fact **

Eating something that's made to clean plumbing... my brother did that... He got so little in him it couldn't harm him but I needed something for Jim's telling and remembered it.

(I looked it up by the way. The English word for it is potassium permanganate and it's not as toxic as I thought... it's really not supposed to be eaten though.)


End file.
